Today

So today I will see you again…

In a meanwhile you texted, and even if you did not i was feeling you all over and inside of my soul…

Last night was very difficult to sleep.. I was waking up, and thoughts of you were all around me, my heart was beating fast and I had to remind myself to breathe…

I was getting up, going out to the balcony and looking across the bay and this city towards the mountains that are hiding your little home…

Then I’d try to go back to sleep to no avail… for hours…

I can feel you feel the same…

I wonder how to stop going towards you and hugging you and kissing you all over the moment I see you..

How will I ‘hate’ the fact of other people around us, fck, how I’d wish they all just disappear for an hour or even few minutes…

You awakened me again.. this dragon inside, with the heart of fire, that is burning beautifully and powerfully…

I am thinking of her.. How young and beautiful she is, and innocent and great… if she would not be that you would not chose her to be your wife, wouldn’t you… She gave you a child, that gorgeous little daughter of yours that you love to the bottom of your heart..

I wish these thoughts help me… or help me not to feel this what I feel towards you… I am having imaginary conversations with her, trying to explain that I fell for the same man she did, so how could she blame me..

But I presume I know what she would say, or how would she feel if she knew…

Even if she would ‘forgive’ me, would she be able to or even should she, forgive you.., cause you didn’t share this with her…

You call yourself ‘conservative’, but you are actually not, you are much more similar to me, as you are obviously capable of loving two women at the same time…

 

So we f… .. again…

Stayed later last night to finish the project..
I swear to God, I had erased you from my system by now.. and I was okay with it..
And then, you just came behind me..

I cannot believe how good you felt inside me..
I have been frozen last time but … omg..

I almost forgot you.. I told you..
You are perfect.. I told you..
You said you are a bad boy..

No, you are perfect.. just perfect..
I met some bad people .. in my time.. you re not one of them..

and your lips.. and kisses.. can we kiss forever?.. and hug?.. just hug and not move at all.. and my nipples were so aroused by your tongue, I thought I’d scream …

It was not easy when I was trying to forget you.. cause I have these feelings for you.. I told you..
me too.. you said..
If it would not be like that wed be like psychopaths or something, you smiled…

I think that was one of rare times you expressed anything in relation to your feelings towards me.. once, when you said I have captured your heart.. and this time, when you said you have feelings for me..

but it is impossible, I told you, you are married, you two just bought the house together, what could I possibly be to you.. or ask from you.. or expect from you… I have no right, and I know it...

I love the moment in which you stopped while inside me, and looked at me and kissed me.. before you started moving again… Oh God.. why could I live in that one moment forever…………….

My Dear..

So this is your newest idea..

that we both take a day off.. and then meet.. half day, or full day is better, you said..

so that we may spend some time together…

that you were not sure how I would feel about it.. but I said maybe, and you were happy I did not say no..

why couldn’t I say ‘no’ to you?

 

Then you are texting me for hours and describing thoughts in your head, and your energy is running through me.. so much that I can almost feel it..

 

but I still have time to change my mind..

I gave it a week, or even more, if this would come true, cause I need time to think…

do I really want your lips on mine, do I really want your hands on my hips, do I really want to let you untie me, as you want..

I am not sure…. not sure…

 

Acid

of days without you.. waiting for Monday, or Tuesday or whichever day it is, to see your beautiful face, and hear your voice and your laugh..

Knowing, we can only be ‘best friends forever’…

so you offering to visit me.. again? .. what was that about, my friend

to make my heart skip a beat.. to become unable to get you out of my head – again? just when I thought, I did get you out of it..

You see, I have to study, I have to work on these projects, and seems that I can’t, as my mind is just.. not here..

but on the other side of the city, wondering where you are, how you are, what you are doing now, are you happy, are you with her, are you two happy, do you think of me… as much as I do of you…

Cause I love you… but that was never a problem………..

 

The strange bird called ‘Love’…

That strange, strange little bird.. called .. Love..

It comes and goes, and brings me down then up then I think I destroyed her then I find her right inside the core of my heart again.. each time a little different, a little deeper, wider, with little more understanding, more space, expanding..

Then it throws me into the depths of hell again..

and I scream and cry and pray to leave me alone even if empty just not to feel it

Then I let go… finally finding that my peace is more important than anything else, that there is more to life than yearning…

And I feel free, and relieved,

and just at that moment you are back where you were,

and that thing, that bird, I hear its little squeaks as if from far away.. and I am afraid to let it back, but it follows me and does not let me go..

As long as I am free I will be fine, I say t myself, I never wish to go back to that place where I need you and you are right here but not for me, never again I say,

while you are circling around me like the hunter around its prey, as you feel..

that I might escape you,

and you.. you do not like to be.. rejected…

 

So tonight.. we are gathering again, will be watching the Simpsons, after barbeque, and we have drinks, and games and all of the stuff for fun,

an all I think is you, and only God knows how much I wish I do not…

 

 

Stay still, my heart…

So finally there came these days in which I am glad not to see you, because I am not disturbed by you then, and the peace and joy of life I feel is strong and liberating..

When you are here you capture all my thoughts and I feel as if I am suffocating, there is not enough oxygen coming from you, regardless your pledges to love, words how you are crazy about me and all of that jazz..

Words.. I never liked them..

Long time ago a wise man I met told me, do not listen to ones who say I love you, rather look for what they are doing for you..

I cannot say how valuable this is… it sounds so simple, and it is so true…

Words with no action, I told you, action of affection, made a joke about it, not sure you got it… but I will tell you again. If need be…

 

Love me

Love me my love..

Your words are echoing inside my head, when you said you have to leave.. and I said okay… goodbye..

and turned around…

Then you shouted.. “But I do not want to…. I do not want to…”…

“I know”, I said over my shoulder.. while I was going away….

 

I know you do not want to.. but you will….

and that is all that mattered to me….

Months..

So months to come were a struggle…

Struggle with my desires and your absent presence..

We did things together but we were rarely alone…

We went to parties and you were sitting next to me, rubbing my legs under the table, touching me when thinking no one would see…

I loved it…

A little too much…

But you were irresistible..

We went together to the city once and then, while going to the party you leaned me to some gate and kissed me, hugged me and kissed me, looking into my eyes as we are alone in the world…

The other time you followed me in your car when I went from work, i stopped and you then wen out of your car and came to me and were just kissing me while pressing me on my car bonnet…

My God.. how glad I am it happened, I did not understand how on earth you got the desire to do that…

So you slowly were making a plan for us to stay alone at the office, after the thers would go away…

Not so easy to wait for 50 people to go home as some work long hours..

First, you got rid f your best friend whom you were driving to work and back for few years..

then you found out who is staying longest, and when that person goes home early..

In a meanwhile we stayed alone twice…

My Love..

My Love… my beautiful love..

When you come to me like today, allĀ  want is to completely belong to you even I know I cannot.. even I said I want to get you out of my heart..

 

You are looking forward the new party on Friday, cause I will be there..

Do you think about our kisses, our hugs, our whispers, my love..

Cause I do…

And I may not be going… exactly cause of that..